


flowers in her hair

by ndnickerson



Series: Red Label [25]
Category: Nancy Drew - Carolyn Keene
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, F/M, Family, Kid Fic, Married Couple, Married Sex, Masturbation, Sex Toys, Sexual Content, Sexual Fantasy, Tea Party, Wall Sex, Woman on Top
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-01
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-23 04:10:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ndnickerson/pseuds/ndnickerson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nancy and Ned's daughter is born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	flowers in her hair

1.

Nancy doesn't know for sure the night (or morning, or lazy afternoon, or quickie) she got pregnant with Jamie, but she knows this one. Ned was working the arson case, and he came home every night with the smell of ash and death clinging to his skin, so late and so exhausted that all he could do was kiss her on the forehead and fall asleep in her arms. And then, it was a Thursday, and the sky opened up and there was nothing really left to do. Jamie was in their bed, not admitting that the lightning forking across the sky had driven him there, and that was where Ned found him. He carried their son back to his own room, and five seconds after he'd slid back into bed they were having sex, the kind of sex that made her pound her fists on the headboard and gasp his name at the top of her voice. She remembers it because that was an island, a unique event.

They named her Eleanor, Ellie, but when they brought her home from the hospital, swaddled-up and red with her pinched, ponderous face, her brother had gazed down at her and wrinkled his nose and said, "She's tiny. Like a mini-baby."

And now, somehow, at seven days old, her nickname is Minnie. She looks not at all like a cartoon mouse, although Bess managed to find her a Minnie Mouse lamp for the nursery.

Nancy is on the couch, with Min— _Ellie_ , Nancy hates how even she can't stop herself from thinking of her by that name. When the baby cries Jamie sings that at the top of his voice, Minnie-Minnie-Minnie, and then Nancy realizes yet again why she's an only child. The baby is on her chest, curled up, the blanket over them, warm as a furnace. When she tries to raise her head Nancy peers into those incredibly curious eyes and smiles, stroking the soft, wispy down of her dark hair.

She is mini, tiny; she was born prematurely, smaller at birth than her brother, so incredibly delicate and fragile. When the nurse had finally put their little girl in Nancy's arms, she had been suddenly terrified, again. Jamie had been sturdy, resilient at birth, but Ellie loves to cuddle, loves to be warm and snuggled up against her mother. She looks at that delicate, perfect head, the way she wobbles with every movement she makes, and she can't imagine letting her out of her sight, ever.

"Mo-oooom, come help me."

Nancy sighs, trying to get up as gently as possible, but Minnie gasps in a little breath, preparing for a wail. By the time she makes it up the stairs Minnie is quieter, snuffling a little, squirming her tiny slender limbs. Jamie is at his activity desk, a crayon clutched in one hard fist, coloring a picture. Nancy looks around his room full of Army men and fire trucks and wonders why on earth she hadn't had them in matched pairs, able to share and fight over toys, to be there for each other.

"Looks like you're doing fine to me," she observes, pulling out the other miniature chair. Jamie is very proud of his drawing, and she listens to him very intently. She's seen the look of jealousy and hurt pride that crosses his face whenever she stops listening to take care of Minnie, and Hannah had warned her about it. Jamie needs reassurance that they still love him.

"He can't really believe we don't," Nancy had said, incredulous.

"It... it's complicated."

It was. Nancy had left the two of them alone together for about ten minutes the day before, and had come back to find Jamie standing over Minnie's crib, and half her right arm covered in red marker. "She wanted to play with it," Jamie had explained, perfectly innocently.

But the worst, by far the worst, was that Minnie was allowed to sleep in her crib beside their parents' bed, and Jamie, even though he'd had his own bed for years, couldn't.

The storm brings Ned home early, for which she is thankful. While he corrals Jamie and unpacks his children's meal, Nancy sings softly to her little girl, looking down at that curious little face as she nurses. Then she begins the routine of burping, changing, making her ready for bed, but Minnie can hear her brother downstairs, and Nancy has to sing her a lullaby four times before she begins to drift off.

When she comes downstairs, she catches bits of their conversation, enough to know to hold back.

"I'm still your favorite, right?"

"Of course you are," Ned says, a smile in his voice. "Nothing'll change that."

"Does Mommy still love me?"

Nancy bites her lip at that, thinking those might be the single most horrible words she's ever heard. "She loves you so much," Ned says, sounding almost wistful. "When you were born we used to stare at you, counting all your fingers and toes, and we loved you so much."

She can see enough of Jamie to tell that he's looking at his own hands, his own fingers. "Really?"

"It took you almost a day to be born. A very long time. Mom said she was going to kill me."

"She did?" Jamie is hushed, awestruck.

"She did. But then she saw you and she forgot about it. So you saved my life that day, little buddy."

Jamie chuckles, pleased.

"And the day you were born was the happiest day of my life, when I saw you, when I was a dad. I loved you from the first second I saw you."

"And Mommy too?"

"Mommy even before that."

After his bath, Ned puts Jamie to bed, and then, finally, he stumbles into their bedroom, and his eyes are only for her.

"How do you do it," she whispers, shaking her head, nestling against him after he climbs in beside her. "You make it look so easy."

He kisses her forehead. "I had the best teachers."

2.

" _Daddy!_ "

Ned Nickerson, most days, can't imagine a better life than the one he has. Oh, if he had the choice, he would have his parents back in a second. He'd untangle the bureaucratic red tape from his cases, make them a little easier. He'd make sure no one he loves could ever be hurt again.

Even so, he loves his cases, he loves the life he and his wife have built together. And when he opens the door after a long day at work and his son and daughter squeal with genuine joy at his entrance, running forward so they can grab his legs and hold him tight, he feels such love he could explode with it.

He loved his parents so much, in the years he had them. They had no doubt of it. He wishes his parents could have been around to see his wedding, their grandchildren, but he also doesn't doubt that they're proud of him, even if they aren't here to say it.

Hannah is just setting the table, and she smiles at Ned before he looks down at his children. Ned tousles Jamie's dark hair and he giggles, and the fine strands of Ellie's hair are baby-soft, like silk under Ned's fingers. Mollie comes over, her tail wagging in greeting, and Ellie giggles when Mollie's tail brushes against her shoulder. She hugs the dog as Jamie tells Ned that they're having _roast_ for dinner, and he _helped,_ he helped Hannah measure the soup for it.

Sometimes Ned still can't believe that his son is actually old enough to be in elementary school, that Ellie is already in preschool; he can remember so clearly how tiny they were when they were born, and now they are so energetic they almost ricochet off the walls, bright and laughing and clamoring for their parents' attention. Ned drops Jamie off at school on his way to work, Nancy drops Ellie off at preschool in the morning before she goes to work, and Hannah picks Ellie up at lunchtime, brings her back home, makes her a little meal and gets dinner ready, then picks up Jamie after school and watches them both until Ned and Nancy get home. Often she makes enough to take back to Ned's father-in-law, although every now and then Carson actually comes to Mapleton and the six of them sit down together, to talk over their day and listen as Jamie and Ellie talk about school and their friends.

Ellie is two and a half and has the biggest, sweetest brown eyes, and she has always been a curious, happy child. Hannah asks Jamie to help her finish setting the table so Ned can get upstairs to change, but Ellie tugs on her father's hand, and so Ned swings her up to hold her to his side as he goes upstairs.

"What is it, little mouse?"

Ellie wrinkles her nose at him, giggling. "Ellie!" she shrieks, then smothers her giggling with her little palms. She's wearing a dark blue corduroy dress over a pale pink long-sleeved shirt dotted with small white hearts, and her dark, fine hair is pulled up into ponytails on each side of her head, in little pink bows.

Ned loves both of them—God, he loves both of them so much, and he adored Ellie from the second he set eyes on her. He didn't know what fear was until he held Jamie in his arms, but Ellie? Oh, he hopes for both their sakes that Ellie doesn't take after her mother, but in some ways she already has, and after all the sleepless nights he spent hoping Nancy would be okay on her cases, he can't imagine knowing Ellie might be out there in the same kind of danger.

"Ellie-mouse, then."

"Daddy!" Ellie says accusingly, squirming, then reaches up to pat his face. Even though Ned rarely slips and calls her Minnie, the way Jamie does half the time, Nancy has insisted that her name is Ellie and she has agreed. But he calls her little-mouse, Ellie-mouse, and even though Nancy makes a face at him when he does it, Ellie loves the little pet names her daddy has for her.

Ned carries his daughter to her room and puts her down as he finishes loosening his tie. "You almost ready for dinner?"

Ellie nods vigorously twice. "You 'n Mommy go 'way 'morrow?"

Ned nods solemnly. Jamie has accepted that, with some exceptions, his parents have a date night every two weeks; Ellie still pouts over it. They didn't start the tradition until after Ellie was a year old, and she still seems to hope that they'll change their minds and stay home with her and Jamie every weekend instead of going out every other Saturday night.

"Tea party?"

Ellie only learned about tea parties recently, but she has been obsessed with the idea ever since. Her little cousin, Bess and Terry's daughter Olivia, isn't yet old enough to really play tea party with her, but when they have their play dates, Ned is struck by their similarity. Olivia has hair a few shades lighter than Ellie's, and her mother Bess's blue eyes, but both of them have the easy Nickerson smile, and dimpled, infectious grins.

"Right now?"

Ellie nods. "'Anna cookies!"

So Hannah went along with Ellie's tea party plans and made cookies for her. Ned's stomach rumbles, even as Ellie tugs on her father's hand. She's surprisingly strong, for her tiny size. "We can't have a tea party before dinner, baby."

Ellie's tiny face scrunches up, and her dark eyes glaze with tears. "Oh, sweetheart," Ned murmurs, sweeping her up and holding her to him. "We will have a tea party, okay? But after dinner. It'll be special. Just you and me, okay?" He sweeps her fine hair out of her face, stroking her flushed cheek. "Shhhhh, shh. It's okay."

Ellie didn't get quite so far as a wail, and she gasps her breath back, gazing into her daddy's eyes, and God, Ned would give her the entire world if he could. She gives him a smacking, pleased kiss and leans back, grinning, and Ned kisses her cheek before he puts her back down.

" _Mommy!_ "

Ned hears his wife's laugh as she comes through the garage door and their son greets her. "Hey."

Ned still hasn't managed to change clothes, but Ellie runs to the head of the stairs to see her mother, and is stopped by the baby gate put there specifically to keep her from toppling head-first down into the living room. Neither of them have any doubt that soon she'll figure out how to get around it herself, but she hasn't yet. Ned lifts her and carefully carries her down, and as soon as he puts her down in the living room, she runs to her mother, her arms up, demanding to be held.

Nancy looks a little weary, but happy; it's Friday afternoon, after all. Their eyes meet briefly and they smile at each other; she's in a dark jacket and skirt, a wine-colored shirt, pearls at her throat and in her ears. Ned picks up her laptop bag, which she left beside his, and takes them both to the home office. Ellie in particular is fascinated by their computers, and while she hasn't yet figured out how to open them, that hasn't stopped her from trying. When he returns Ellie has a cell phone in her hand and is shaking it insistently, and Ned feels at his waist to make sure he still has his—that's another thing they're fascinated by, cell phones and car keys and remotes, anything their parents seem to value—then looks around for a toy to swap with Ellie for Nancy's cell phone.

It takes all three adults to wrangle Jamie and Ellie into their seats at the table. Ellie somehow has her shoes off by the time she's in her high chair, and Jamie has one of his toy racecars beside his plate. He wears a long-sleeved black t-shirt with a Superman logo on it, and he asks if they can watch some before he goes to bed.

Ned glances over at Ellie, who is happily smearing the yogurt Hannah gave her with her dinner in the general vicinity of her mouth. "Either tonight or in the morning," Ned promises, and Jamie is pleased.

"So eat with us," Nancy says, looking up at Hannah. Both Ned and Nancy managed to get away long enough to swiftly change into jeans and t-shirts for dinner, and Nancy's just pulling her hair back into a ponytail, her bare feet and burgundy-polished toes moving swiftly as she helps Hannah put the roast and sides on the table.

"Carson isn't home tonight?" Ned asks.

"He'll be back late. Poker game," Hannah laughs a little.

"All the more reason," Nancy says, reaching for another plate so Hannah can eat at the table.

"What's poker-game?" Jamie asks.

Ned pats his shoulder. "Something I'll teach you once your mother says you're old enough," he tells his son.

"As long as you don't teach him any... variations," Nancy says, raising her brow as she goes to the refrigerator. "Hannah, pop? Lemonade? You know what we have."

Hannah's roast is, as always, mouthwatering, and the carrots, potatoes, and onions slow-simmered along with the meat all day long. Nancy makes sure to mash up the potato and carrot very well, to cut the onion into small pieces, and let all of it cool off before Jamie eats any. Ellie has roasted chicken bites and peeled apple slices, and even though she's asking to be let down, her eyes still light up when Hannah asks if anyone wants ice cream for dessert.

"Ice ceem!"

"A _little_ ," Nancy tells Ellie, ignoring the furrow between her daughter's brows. "With sprinkles?"

"Yay!"

Hannah offers to stay and help clear the table, but Nancy shakes her head, insisting that Hannah take a seat, considering all she's done already. Nancy takes Ellie upstairs for her bath, and all the way up the stairs Ellie's singing something and Nancy is laughing and cooing to her softly in return.

Ned drafts Jamie to help him clear the table. Jamie's good at slotting the dinner plates into the lower dishwasher rack, while Ned handles the rest of it, then tells Jamie to run upstairs and get ready for bed.

Hannah's just pulling her coat on when Ned walks into the living room. "Oh, you need to go?"

"I think you two have everything under control," Hannah says with a smile, reaching for her purse. "The cookies for Ellie's tea party are beside the microwave. I'll be expecting them at three?"

Ned nods, just as Jamie singsong-chants "Minnie-Minnie-Minnie!" from upstairs, and his little sister shrieks something in response, Nancy's calm voice cutting through both. "We'll be there. Thanks so much for dinner, it was great."

Hannah gives Ned a hug. "See you two tomorrow. Tell Nancy I said good night."

After Ellie's bath, Nancy comes downstairs with her shirt changed, Jamie in tow. "Mouse?"

Nancy wrinkles her nose at her husband, the same way Ellie did earlier. "She could barely stay awake long enough for me to get her into her PJs," Ned's wife replies.

"So we can watch?" Jamie says, his blue eyes lit up.

Jamie sits on the couch between his parents, and Ned slips his arm around his wife's shoulders. Ned's more entertained by the obvious delight in Jamie's eyes as he watches the animated superheroes on the screen, and Nancy casts a fond glance at her son before her gaze meets her husband's.

They've decided to have one more child, and now seems like a good time. They were hopeful the month before, but when Nancy went to the doctor, her stomach cramping with nausea, she came back with sorrow in her eyes. If she ever was pregnant this time, it was very briefly.

They tried for many, many months to get pregnant with Ellie, and this time Nancy's keeping an ovulation chart. Their weekends together rarely coincide with the window, and on those other nights Nancy locks their bedroom door, drawing her husband to her, holding him until they're both gasping, quiet to keep from waking Jamie and Ellie. Regardless they have sex on those date nights, when they can, or they just use the time to do something together, for themselves; they watch movies with a rating higher than PG, see their friends, eat at restaurants without asking for high chairs or crayons. On Sunday afternoons, when they pick up Jamie and Ellie, sometimes they go to the movies, sometimes the park, and their children are just so delighted to be with them.

On Saturday morning, Ned wakes with his wife curled up behind him, her breath warm against his spine, and a very small hand tentatively patting his face. He opens his eyes and sees Ellie's big brown eyes staring back into his, and she grins delightedly. Her dark hair is sticking up in all directions and her small round face still bears a line from a wrinkle in her pillow, but she climbed out of her bed and came into their room all by herself, still in her purple unicorn pajamas.

"Daddy!"

The light is still blue outside. Nancy mumbles something into Ned's back, yawning as Ned sits up and helps Ellie onto the bed. "Hey sweetie," Ned says through his yawn, and she giggles as she stands and throws her arms around his neck. "Can you hang out with Mommy for just a minute, little mouse?" He brushes the tip of his nose against hers and she giggles again, and Nancy pulls her baby into her arms, snuggling her under the covers.

"Mommy," Ellie whispers, patting her mother's face.

"My sweet girl," Nancy replies, nuzzling against her, and Ellie giggles again.

Ned returns from his quick trip to the bathroom and grabs Ellie, swinging her into the air, and she howls with laughter. He takes her to the bathroom so she can use her small training potty, washes her hands and brushes her teeth for her, then carries her downstairs still yawning. He can hear Jamie stirring in his own room, and Nancy's just started the shower.

"You want oatmeal, little mouse?"

"Mmmmmmmmm," she replies, and Ned puts her down in the living room, slipping one of her princess movies into the player before he pours himself a cup of coffee. Ellie likes her baby banana-flavored oatmeal made with milk, and Ned makes sure it's cool enough not to burn her before he straps her into her high chair with a small bowl, her baby spoon, and a sippy cup of milk.

Jamie comes down the stairs, maneuvering around the baby gate, and within a minute he's turned off his sister's movie and has turned the television to cartoons. Ned pours him a bowl of cereal with milk and calls him into the kitchen, and Jamie digs in with relish. It's always been one of the house rules, no eating in the living room except in rare cases, and Ned's stuck to it.

Then Ned hears his cell go off upstairs, and he glances between Jamie and Ellie. She's taking a long sip of her milk, half her oatmeal gone. "Keep an eye on your sister, okay?" he tells Jamie, and he waits for Jamie's nod before he heads for the stairs.

Nancy's standing at the top, her hair wet. "Bill wants to know if you filed that form before you left."

Ned relaxes. "Yeah," he calls, and Nancy tosses the phone to him, turning back so she can dry her hair, and her ass looks as great as it always has in her faded jeans.

Ned goes upstairs for his own shower once Nancy comes down for her coffee, and when he emerges, his hair still a little damp, wearing jeans and an Emerson alumni shirt, Ellie's standing in the upstairs hallway. Her face has been wiped clean of her breakfast and she's wearing a green and pink princess outfit with a plastic crown and wand, her socked feet in sparkly pink ballet flats.

"Daddy! Tea party!" The small frown between her brows tells Ned she definitely will not take no for an answer.

"Almost, El," Nancy calls, and Ned can hear her coming up the stairs before she appears at the baby gate. She hands Ned a refilled, piping hot cup of coffee, the way he takes it. "Daddy needs his special tea."

Ned shoots his wife a grateful glance before Ellie reaches for his hand and insistently tugs him to her room.

Nancy decorated Ellie's room in deep pink and white. The Minnie Mouse lamp is still on the small white dresser Nancy found in the attic and repainted for her daughter, and her bedspread is pink, the curtains pink with white polka dots. Her toy chest has Minnie Mouse painted on it, and the miniature table and chairs set up for her tea party are pink molded plastic.

Ned balances the coffee mug carefully as he lowers himself to the floor. "Sit in _chair_ ," Ellie says, shaking her head.

"I don't want to break it, sweetheart."

Ellie gives him a deeply suspicious look that almost makes Ned laugh aloud, but he somehow fights the urge. Nancy apparently brought their snacks, because one of Ellie's plastic plates is in the middle of the table, still piled symmetrically with Hannah's cookies, and Ned can't imagine that Ellie would have made it upstairs carrying that easily.

Ellie picks up her large Minnie Mouse doll, the one that is almost as big as she is, and seats it in one of the chairs. Then she brings over another doll, smaller than Minnie but still hilariously large in Ellie's grasp, this one with dark hair and dark eyes like Ellie, and puts her in the chair opposite Minnie.

"You want me to help, baby?"

Ellie points and says something that sounds like "you corn," and Ned figures out she means the large white unicorn with purple yarn hair and a glittering stuffed horn. He reaches over to snag it and she arranges it just-so in the third chair.

Then she brings over her tea set, the one her Aunt Bess and Uncle Terry gave her for Christmas. Her expression of fierce concentration is so like Nancy's that Ned can't help but gaze at her. She deliberately takes out each piece, giving her father a plate, a saucer, and a teacup, and she's disturbed when she only has four place settings, and she's seated too many animals—she hasn't left a plate for herself.

"Here. Let me help," Nancy says from the doorway, and Ned glances up at his wife. She's wearing her hair loose and straight, she's in a pair of jeans that are molded to her slender legs, and a navy long-sleeved shirt. "Mr. Unicorn can just hang out over here, okay, baby? I just brought your tea for you, since Daddy can't share his."

Ned reaches for his wife's hand and squeezes it gently, and they exchange a smile before she leaves. She's brought Ellie's low-sugar apple juice for her tea, and Ned helps Ellie very carefully pour it into each teacup. She's humming something to herself as she works, and then she looks over at her oversized stereo, with large buttons for her tiny fingers. She turns on her nursery rhyme recordings, singing nonsense along with it when she returns to her tea party.

After she makes sure each plate holds exactly one cookie, Ellie looks expectantly at her father. "Cookie?"

"Should we let Miss Minnie try one first, or does my little Minnie-mouse want one?"

Ellie giggles as she picks up the cookie on Minnie's plate and brings it to the stuffed animal's mouth. "Mmmmm," she tells Minnie, her dark eyes sparkling, then puts it back down on the plate.

Ellie directs Ned to give the doll tea and the cookie while she alternates drinking her own juice and taking bites of her cookie, and helping Minnie. She chatters to each of them in turn, talking about shopping for pretty clothes and going on vacation at Disney World, making her voice sound, to her, very formal and grown-up, and she makes her voice high-pitched as she provides their responses. Ned finishes his cookie, and instead of stealing the doll's, he asks Ellie if he can have another, and she solemnly serves it to him.

"This is my first tea party," he tells his daughter.

She turns to look at him, her dark eyes wide. "No tea party 'fore?"

He shakes his head. "So what do we do now that we've had tea? Do we play poker, maybe? Have a water gun fight? Dance?"

Ellie's eyes brighten at the last of it, and she claps her hands. "Dance, Daddy!"

Ned finishes his coffee as Ellie comes over to him, and he brings himself to his feet as she raises her arms, begging him to pick her up. She slips her arms around his neck and he holds her, looking into her beautiful dark eyes.

Ned ignores the chirpy drone and peppy beat of the music playing on her little stereo and sways with her to a rhythm only he can hear, turning slowly. "One day, when you're old enough, I'll teach you how to slow dance," he tells her. "For real."

She grins at him. "Love you."

"I love you too, Eleanor. I love you so much."

She leans forward, resting her head against her father's shoulder, and he can feel her breathing against his neck, the small rise and fall of her in her arms. He senses his wife before he sees her, and when he turns, Nancy has her camera in her hands, and she's just lowering it.

"I couldn't help it," she whispers, and smiles at Ned before she turns, responding to Jamie's call for her.

After a moment Ellie squirms, and Ned puts her down, showing her how she can stand on his feet and he can hold her hands and they can dance that way. She giggles and he holds tight to her small hands so she keeps her balance, dancing through an entire song with her.

Then they finish off the tea, and Ned tells her they'll take the leftover cookies downstairs so Mommy can have some of the tea too. They carefully take the dishes—Ellie one at a time, Ned as many as he can pick up—to the bathroom so they can rinse the last trace of the juice out of the cups. Then Ned picks up his daughter in one arm and the leftover cookies in the other, and carries her down the hall.

He kisses her cheek before he opens the baby gate. "Thank you for the tea party, little mouse."

Ellie giggles. "Tank you, Daddy," she says, and slips her arms around his neck, holding tight.

When they reach the foot of the stairs, Ellie squirms to be let down, then runs to her mother. "Did you have a good tea party, Ellie?"

"And _dance_!" Ellie squeals happily, and starts to twirl dizzily around the kitchen, her plastic crown tilted sideways. "Daddy!"

Ned laughs as he puts the cookies down and reaches for the hand she's offering, easily twirling her. "Me and Mommy used to do this," he tells her.

"Used to?" Nancy puts in, raising the camera again. They have so many pictures of Jamie as a baby—his eyes wide as he gently touches a football nearly as big as he is, his small head dwarfed in an oversized helmet—but Nancy wants to make sure they have plenty of pictures of Ellie, too.

And sometimes, when Nancy looks at Ellie, Ned remembers when she was pregnant with their daughter, when that man almost killed her, almost killed them both—and he thinks again of how much of a miracle Ellie is, both their children truly are. He and Nancy came so close to dying so many times before they were even married, before they had even made love.

Ellie twirls over to her mother and grabs her hand too, and her parents smile down at her as they let her twirl between them. When her crown slips off her head and clatters to the floor, Ellie lets out a sharp disappointed cry and stops, carefully bending down to pick it up, and offers it to her mother to place back on her head.

Nancy was so afraid of missing this, and Ned's heart beats painfully hard at the thought. He can't imagine raising Jamie alone, raising Jamie and Ellie alone.

Ellie makes a beckoning gesture, and Nancy, understanding her wordless question, goes to the refrigerator and finds a small container of applesauce. "Want a little snack, baby?"

"Cookie?" Ellie tilts her head, batting her long, dark eyelashes.

Nancy reaches down and gently touches the tip of Ellie's nose with the lightest brush of her fingertip. "You had cookies for your tea party, remember? But you can have another one this afternoon when you go see Hannah."

Ellie frowns, turning to her father, but Ned shakes his head. "Mommy's the boss," he tells her, even though he'd gladly give her a dozen cookies to put that dimpled smile back on her face. "Maybe I can talk her into giving you two later, though."

Ellie crosses her arms, but her mood soon improves once she's eating her applesauce. Jamie and Mollie come in from the backyard, Jamie out of breath, and Ned pours him some juice, ruffling his hair.

After her snack, Nancy lifts Ellie out of the high chair and she runs into the living room, looking for her brother. Nancy wipes down the tray and Ned comes over to her, and she takes his hand, squeezing gently.

"Dance with me later?" she says softly.

"Of course," he tells her softly, ducking in to kiss the soft place beneath her earlobe, drawing in the familiar scent of her. "I always love to dance with you, baby."

She slips her hand into his hair and when he pulls back, she stands on her tiptoes to brush her lips against his, and they linger in each other's arms.

Then Ned feels a small hand at his knee, and Ellie is at their feet, wrapping her arms around their legs. "Mommy Daddy dance?"

"In a little while, sweetheart," Nancy says with a fond smile, reaching down to stroke Ellie's dark hair.

3.

Even though she's never said it, Ned knows that Nancy's still just a little skittish about going out to restaurants. She knows it's foolish, and whenever Bess and Terry invite them out, whenever George and Kevin invite them, or Mike and Jan, Nancy always agrees. She just seats herself where she can see the door clearly at all times, and her stomach is tense until they're safely in the car again.

For their dinner together they rent a loud, profane movie full of sex and violence just because they can, and it's stopped feeling strange to Nancy, watching such a thing in the Nickerson den, where she and Ned used to hold hands and share soft, tender kisses, always waiting for his parents to walk in on them. Nancy has put away the toys that Jamie and Ellie generally leave scattered all over the den, and Ned has a beer bottle on a coaster on the coffee table, Nancy a glass of wine. They divided the fried rice, egg rolls, pepper beef and black bean chicken and spicy shrimp among their plates, and Nancy's stuffed and happy, her head against her husband's shoulder.

And the movie's not even that good. They're watching it just for the sheer joy of being able to watch something they don't need to sing along with, but the plot is predictable and the tricky camera shots come off as gimmicky instead of clever.

Nancy sighs, then sits forward and stretches, glancing at her husband's beer. "I think we still have a few of Hannah's cookies left," she comments.

"That sounds great." Ned glances up at her as she stands. "Want me to...?"

"I'll be right back," she tells him, shaking her head as she gathers up their empty plates and his beer bottle. In the kitchen she piles some cookies on a plate and grabs a fresh beer for her husband, and when she returns Ned immediately wraps his arm around her, pulling her to his side.

She snuggles against him happily. When Bill texts him, they chat about the case he's on; she saw her husband in court on Tuesday, and that happens every now and then, since they work for coordinating agencies. She's just glad that their schedule means they can still do this, that they can still have their date nights.

"So how was the tea party?"

Ned smiles. "I think I did okay, for it being my first one," he tells her.

"You looked so sweet with her."

"Well, we had to do something, after she turned down the water gun fight."

Nancy has already mentally checked out of the movie, and when their conversation trails off, all the sleep she hasn't managed to get over the week catches up with her, and she drifts off. She wakes when Ned strokes her cheek, a smile on his face.

"Hey, sleeping beauty."

Nancy yawns, shaking her head. "I've been waiting all week for this," she complains softly. "You'd think I could stay awake for it."

"Well, I'm sure the wine didn't help." He strokes her cheek again. "I think my other favorite girl in the world said she wanted to dance."

"Oh, I'm still one of your favorites?"

Ned nods, then leans down to gently press his lips to hers. "You'll always be one of my favorites, baby."

He picks up the remote and finds one of the music channels, then stands and reaches for her hand. She lets him pull her to her feet, still feeling just a little dreamy and lightheaded, and they move easily into each other's arms, her arms up around his neck, Ned's arms about her waist. They relax against each other, swaying to the slow beat, and she strokes her hand through his hair, over and over, closing her eyes as she remembers their proms, the countless other dances they've shared.

"I told El I'd teach her how to slow dance."

Nancy's lips curve up. "I remember when Dad taught me," she murmurs, and tips her head back to look into her husband's eyes. "Granted, we didn't dance anything like this."

He reaches for her hand and she threads her fingers through his, resting her hand gently against his shoulder as he cups her waist, and while there's space between them now, they can look into each other's eyes. They dance that way for a while, and it's the way they only use during formal dances, when they have to be respectable and not as close as they always want to be.

"She's so like you, Nan."

"El?"

Ned nods. "She gets so focused, and when there's something she wants, she just doesn't give up."

Nancy smiles. "That's not so bad, is it?"

She isn't expecting it when Ned raises his arm to twirl her, and she giggles in surprise, obeying when he gently tugs her back to him. The tempo of the next song is a little faster, and they move to where they have floor space. The wine makes her a little lightheaded as he twirls her again.

"I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too." She reaches for him, still a little unsteady, and when their lips meet, their bodies swaying gently together as she presses against him, she can taste the beer on his lips, and a delicious shiver goes down her spine.

Just one more. One more baby, one more little girl or boy to hold in her arms, one more piece of them. That terrible fear, her belief that she would never live to see this—oh, she wakes up thankful every day that the four of them are together in his parents' house, happy and healthy, their children safe and warm.

She lets her hand trail down to his hip, and her husband groans against her mouth. "Ready to take this upstairs?" she says softly.

"Almost," Ned murmurs, and then he picks her up and she wraps her legs around his waist, her arms around his neck again, gazing down at him. She lets her hair fall in a curtain to brush against his cheeks and he smiles up at her, her hips slowly moving against his as she kisses him.

"Can we have another boy?"

He's turned off the television and lights, made sure the doors are locked and Mollie is inside, before he carries her upstairs, and Nancy tilts her head. "It's kind of up to you," she points out, tightening her heels to press her hips just a little harder against his. "You want another boy?"

He nods. "I'd feel a lot safer if El had two brothers to help keep her out of trouble."

"Hey, I made it through pretty well with no brothers," Nancy points out, releasing her husband so she can slide to the floor in their room. "She'll just have to find a guy who's as amazing as you to help keep her safe."

Ned shakes his head as he pulls his shirt off and Nancy clicks on the bedside lamp. "No guy on earth is ever gonna be good enough for our baby."

Nancy smiles at him before she slips her own shirt off, revealing a black bra trimmed in white lace, small pink bows between and at the top of each cup. "I'm pretty sure my dad felt that way until he met you."

Ned cups her hip, drawing her to him as he sits down at the edge of their bed. He slowly unbuttons and unzips her jeans, pulling them open to reveal the matching black satin panties. "And that's only because he had no idea how I thought about you every night when I was trying to get to sleep."

"Oh?"

Ned nods, gently drawing the backs of his fingers against her crotch, through the thin satin. "And any guy who looks at El the way I used to look at you..."

"Used to?"

He smiles at her. "When all I had was fantasy," he tells her. "When I was sixteen and dying to see your underwear."

"Was that all." She leans down, brushing the tip of her nose against his.

"And what was underneath it." He pitches his voice low and she shivers.

"And you just wanted to stop at looking?"

"Yeah," he teases her. "That was my fondest dream, just to get you naked and stop there. Actually..."

She listens to what he says after with some amusement, then gives him a little shrug. "So what's stopping us?"

He takes a breath, considering, then shrugs, a smile curving his lips. "Nothing, I guess."

"Just give me a few minutes."

Ned laughs but obeys her, and as soon as he's left the master bedroom, closing the door behind him, Nancy scrambles off the bed and goes to her lingerie drawer. The short gown she pulls out is a soft pink, just a whisper thicker than sheer, and she slips it over her head. Then she goes to their other drawer, the one they've relocated since their children are old enough to be curious.

She turns on both the bedside lamps, then scrambles out of bed for one more thing before she pulls the blankets up over her, parting her legs. She's already slick between, and she considers taking her bra off before he comes in, then shrugs.

Ned taps on the door twice, then opens it without waiting for a response, and Nancy sits up, her lips parting in feigned shock as she glances from Ned's face to the vibrator and lube on the bedside table. "Ned," she says softly, and she's surprised when she can feel a warm flush staining her cheeks. She and Ned have had sex in every position they can think of, have tied each other up, fucked until they ached, and he watched her give birth to their children, and still she's able to blush while they're doing this.

"I just came to see if you needed anything," he says, and looks at the vibrator too, then closes the door behind him. "Nan...?"

She looks down. "I'm so embarrassed," she says. "You guys were so nice, letting me stay over here tonight, and I..."

Ned moves over to the bed, sitting down, and cups her cheek. "And you what?"

"And I started thinking about... sleeping so close to you... and it made me..." She trails off, looking down.

"It made you what, sweetheart?"

She brings her head back up and locks her gaze to his. "It made me wet," she breathes. "It made me ache. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be sorry," he says, and while he's keeping his face impassive, she can read the genuine hunger in his eyes. "Please... show me what you were about to do."

"I..." Her brows furrow. "You won't think it's... dirty?"

His lips quirk up in a very brief smile. "I'm not going to think you're bad for doing it," he tells her. "Please, Nan, I want to see it."

She hesitates for a few more seconds before reaching for the hem of her gown and pulling it over her head. She unfastens her bra, looking down before she lets it fall down her arms to reveal her breasts to him, then tosses it to the floor beside the bed. She settles back on the pillows, opening her legs as she reaches for the vibrator and the lube. It's one of the first vibrators they bought, and it's on the smaller side, with no clit attachment. She chose it intentionally for that reason.

Ned's still sitting on the bed, although he's stripped out of his shirt and is opening his jeans, too. "Here," he says softly, and pulls the covers down so he can see all of her.

"Ned... I don't know..."

"I want to watch, baby. It's okay, it's natural."

She reaches for the vibrator, taking it in her palm and stroking a few times, knowing Ned will like the sight, then slowly peels her underwear down, parting her legs so he can see the gleaming folds of her sex, the firm tip of her flushed clit. She pours some of the lube into her palm, then works it over the entire length of the vibrator, before she lets it rest beside her hip.

"I wanted to do this because I was thinking about you," she tells him softly, her voice a breathy, innocent purr. "Because, oh Ned, when I think about you I get so warm and wet and I just want to feel you inside me..."

"Show me," he breathes, slipping his underwear off, and they're both naked. The widening of her eyes when she sees how aroused he already is isn't feigned.

"Ned...?"

"It's okay, baby. I won't touch you unless you want me to."

She relaxes back onto the pillows, bending her knees even more, then twists the vibrator on and holds the tip of it against her clit. She shivers, her other hand coming up to cup her breast, to pinch her hard-tipped nipple.

"Oh, _yes..._ "

"That's right, Nan. Touch yourself, baby, and say my name when you come."

While she didn't touch herself before they were engaged, his fantasy before they had ever had sex was that he would somehow come upon her masturbating, that he would be able to watch her reach orgasm by herself. Every time she's ever touched herself for him, he's always joined in, and she's just a little self-conscious at the idea of him observing her while she brings herself to climax.

But she wants to indulge him, so she holds the head of the vibrator against her clit until she's shivering, then begins to trace it down the slick folds of her sex. As often as she can, she holds her husband's gaze, when his dark eyes aren't intent between her thighs.

She gasps when she fits the head of the vibrator just inside her sex and begins to work it up inside her, releasing her breast so she can reach between her thighs. Ned loves to watch her stroke her clit, so she gently runs her fingertip against the sensitive nub, quivering as the vibrator hums against her inner flesh. It's not as thick or as long as her husband's cock, and to compensate she reaches down and twists the base, making it vibrate faster.

Ned groans in approval, watching her touch herself, and she hums in pleasure. "Oh, _Ned_ ," she pants. "Oh, so good, so _good_ , _mmmmmm_..."

"God, so sexy," he tells her, slowly stroking his cock as she moves the vibrator between her legs. Despite herself, she really is feeling aroused by it, especially when she sees how turned on he is.

She draws it out, making her strokes with the vibrator more shallow when she feels her orgasm build, fondling the area around her clit without touching it until she's desperate. Since they've had Jamie and Ellie, since Ned's work schedule has become more stable and they've been able to get together regularly, she hasn't needed to relieve her own sexual frustration in a while, and she takes her time with it. She writhes, letting out high, gasping, desperate cries. "Oh, oh God yes, _yessssss_ , _mmmmmm_ ," she sobs. "Ned, oh God, _Ned_ , I want you... oh God, I want you so deep inside me, I want you to fill me up." She presses the full length of the vibrator between her legs, drawing it out so she can work it roughly between her thighs again, and when she digs her thumbnail against her clit, she shrieks in pleasure.

"Yes," Ned growls, stroking himself a little faster.

"It's all I think about," she gasps, gazing at him as she strokes her clit faster. "About you... fucking me, baby, rough and so hard, so _good_ — _oh! Ohhhhhh Ned oh God Ned!_ "

Her hips are jerking as she rocks against the vibrator, and she trembles with every stroke of her thumb against her clit. She pushes the vibration as high as she can, her hand shaking, and when she manages to bump the head against her g-spot she tilts her head back, screaming at how fucking good it feels, her eyes rolling back as she brings herself to orgasm.

"Say it," she hears her husband growl, over her breathless screams, the roar of her pulse in her ears, and she screams his name as her hips tremble, and with every stroke of the vibrator she can hear how wet she is, can hear the almost liquid sound of the buzzing toy working between her legs.

With a long low moan she collapses back to the bed, slipping the vibrator out of her and fumbling with it to turn it off. The cooler air teases her hot, slick inner flesh, her legs sprawled open, and she's prickly and relaxed, gasping her breath back.

"Holy fuck," Ned whispers, as she trembles with the aftershocks.

And even though he didn't ask for it, when Nancy sits up, putting the vibrator on the table beside their bed, she stands on her knees and comes over to him, her inner thighs slick with her arousal, the scent of it in the air. She meets his eyes, then reaches for the hand still lingering on his cock, picking it up.

"That felt so good," she whispers, tilting her head. "Did you like watching me come, baby?"

"God, yes," Ned whispers.

"The only thing better..." She takes his hand and cups it between her thighs, and he lets out a soft groan when he feels her tender, slick lips and swollen clit brush against his palm and fingers as she grinds against him, reaching for his cock. "Would be you, baby." She tilts forward, her fingertips still slick from the lube and her arousal as she strokes his cock, and presses her lips to his ear. "Because the entire time I was working that toy inside me, I was hoping that was how your cock would feel when you slipped inside me for the first time... I'm dying for you, baby, every night when I go to bed alone." He presses the heel of his hand against her crotch and she shudders.

And she whispers the words, the words she never had a chance to say, the ones she had always been too afraid to say until that terrible night—and then it had been too late.

"Be my first, Ned," she whispers. "Be my first, my last, my only. Please, baby. _Please._ "

And he kisses her then, hard, claiming, reaching for the hand fondling his cock and taking it in his own. He moves onto his knees and forces her backward, pinning her to the bed under him, and she immediately wraps her legs around him.

"Yes," she moans, when he breaks the kiss, when she feels him rubbing his cock against the slick, tender folds of her sex. "Oh yes."

"Do you want this?" He nips at her throat, her shoulder as she grinds against him, and then he pulls back, a touch of fear in his eyes. "Did you want this," he whispers, just loud enough for her to hear.

She swallows. "Yes," she whispers, remembering again how making love with him the night of his parents' death had thrilled her even as it terrified and hurt her. A part of her had wished for candlelight, for perfection, even as he had apologized for the terrible circumstances... but they had that on their wedding night, the rose petals and the white lace, and how attuned they had been to each other.

"I love you so much, baby."

"I love you too," she whispers, and he kisses her again, making it slower and gentler, lingering.

And he takes it slow with her even though she knows he has to be dying for it. He already knows she's wet, he just watched her come, and they make out lazily, rolling onto their sides so he can fondle her breast, rolling so she's on top so she can grind against him.

They're still kissing when he reaches down and strokes her inner thighs, cupping her ass to raise her for him, and she whimpers softly when he moves the head of his cock just into her sex.

He breaks the kiss and they're both panting, and when he holds himself still, she blinks up at him. "Please," she whispers again. "Oh, Ned, please. I feel so... so empty without you..."

He kisses her cheek, her earlobe, her chin, the top of her throat as he works another inch inside her, another, another. She isn't quite as tight as she once was, and in all honesty she's grateful; it took so many nights for their lovemaking to feel painless, and she's still able to clench tight around him when she wants. He works inside her, moving gently, and when he's as deep as he can go, he finds her clit.

She shudders under him, crying out. " _Ned_ ," she sobs, tilting her hips, and he keeps his strokes slow and even in and out of her sex as he fondles her clit. "Oh, _ohhhhh_..."

"Yes," he whispers, his hips moving against hers. "So good, baby. Oh, so good."

Blindly her lips seek him, and she kisses his collarbone, his shoulder, feeling the tight toned muscle of his back as she clings to him. She's spread open and vulnerable under him, moaning with his every thrust, and then their lips meet again and she gasps into his mouth.

In all honesty, she can't imagine what she would have done if they had lasted this long their first time, given how much it hurt. Now, though, the feel of him so close to her, tangled up and joined to her, only fills her with joy and desire. Ned's tongue slips against hers and when he shifts the angle of his hips and drives into her again, she jerks against him, insistently rocking.

He breaks the kiss, making his next thrust harder and longer, and she sobs in pleasure. "Oh yesssssss, oh _Ned_ ," she cries, digging her nails into his back.

"Mmmm," he murmurs. "God, you feel so good."

"This is all I want," she moans, shuddering as she takes his next thrust. "When I touch myself I come thinking about you."

He groans when he hears her say those words, driving even deeper inside her, and they're beyond his little fantasy now, beyond anything else. They roll so he's on his back and she scrabbles up so she can squat over him, his hands cupping her hips, his head tipped up so he can watch her desperately fondle her clit again as she rides him.

"Oh _yeah_ ," he pants, watching her. "Fuck, _yes_." She cries out when he reaches for her breasts, roughly fondling her hard nipples, and while fucking him this way for too long will make her thighs ache like a bitch in the morning, soon he's rocking up under her.

But she needs more, they both need more, and he picks her up, sliding off the bed, and slams her against the wall. He laces his fingers between hers, pinning them high over her head, and she wraps her legs tight around his waist, crying out as he drives into her in a long, brutal thrust, then another, another. Her whole body is quivering, her hips canting to find a good angle, and God, it's been a while since they've been this loud.

"Look at me," he orders her, and they stare into each other's eyes, and the desire and possessiveness Nancy sees there make her shiver, their bodies slick with sweat wherever they touch. "Nancy..."

She sobs, her hips jerking as the terrible tension of her orgasm rises, crashing over her again. "Ned," she cries, tightening her fingers between his, arching as he drives into her again, ending in a scream. "Oh Ned, oh my _God, oh my God!_ "

She feels a tear slip down her cheek as he moves inside her, and his palms press into hers as he shudders with one last thrust, their bodies joined as close and tight as they can be. He releases her hands and they wrap their arms around each other, still panting, her legs still wrapped tight around her husband.

Nancy has always loved when he cuddles up to her in their afterglow, and he nuzzles against her cheek, his tongue tracing a line over her collarbone. Slowly she relaxes, as he softens inside her, and she kisses his lower lip, the point of his jaw. He gathers her to him and carries her back to their bed, the bed they brought to his parents' house from their own, the bed where their children grew and quickened inside her.

She knows that even if she's managed, by the barest random chance, to be ovulating tonight, she can't yet be pregnant. Even so, she nuzzles against her husband when he strokes her hip, still folded around each other as they sprawl naked on the sheets.

"I love you," he whispers, his voice low and intense. He cups her cheek, stroking her skin with his thumb.

She presses a kiss against his palm. "I love you too," she whispers.

He's so used to being strong, for her and everyone else. So often he puts what he wants and needs to the side and gives other people what they need. Jamie lives for their Sunday afternoons tossing the baseball back and forth or chasing each other around the yard, and Ellie, their perfect little girl, utterly adores her daddy.

And one night, more than nine years ago now, when Ned came to her, Nancy was able to be strong for him.

"Thank you so much," she whispers, trailing her fingertips down his spine, looking at his lowered lashes, and when he gazes at her, her heart still skips a beat, even after so long. "For making me your first, for being my first. For asking me to be your wife."

He touches his forehead to hers. "I still wish it had been different," he whispers.

"But... I never knew..."

He's known her for so long that he senses what she isn't saying, and gently brushes her hair from her cheek. "I was so afraid that if I asked you to... be more to me, that you would say no... and as much as I wanted that, I hated the idea of losing you more. And then..." He shakes his head.

And she cups his face in her hands and kisses him, gently, over and over. "And then you came to me," she whispers.

"You know you're the reason I was able to get through that day," he says, and looks away from her, but she tilts his chin up so she can look into his dark eyes, her thumbs stroking his cheeks. "I couldn't have done this without you. I would never be this happy without you, you and Jamie and El..."

She kisses him again, softly. "And I couldn't be prouder of you," she tells him. "You're Jamie's hero, Ned. He wants to be just like you when he grows up." She kisses the tip of his nose, not quite meeting his eyes. "And if we have another little boy, he's going to grow up knowing his father is an amazing, brave, great man, too."

Her eyes are pricking softly with tears when she looks into her husband's again. "Oh, Ned, he wants to be just like you..."

And she can't say it, she can't put into words this delicate pain, the weight of this knowledge. Ned cups her cheek, stroking it gently as he searches her eyes, and she knows that he understands.

"Every time you walk out that door..."

He stops her with the faintest brush of his thumb against her lips, a gentle kiss, but that doesn't make the truth of it any less. Every time he walks out their front door and goes to his job with his badge and his gun, she knows she has to let him go. Every night when she takes him in her arms again, whole and breathing, she's reunited with the piece of herself that she sent with him. The dangerous cases are fewer, farther between, but she still lives in fear of them.

In a way, their children cannot _be_ anything else. Their father is a police detective, their mother an investigator with the state's attorney's office. That curiosity and desire for justice is in their blood, and as afraid as she is every time her husband leaves their house, she can't imagine what she'll do when Jamie tells her what he wants to be. A cop, a fireman, an agent? Maybe an attorney like his grandfather, if she's lucky...

And maybe Ned is more worried for Ellie, their precious little daughter, but she finally knows now what no one could ever have explained to her before. Jamie is incredibly smart, quick, and resourceful, and she still worries about him when he's out of her sight. It doesn't mean she doesn't trust him, just that she loves him so much that the prospect of his being hurt is more than she can bear.

Just the way she's felt about Ned since he enrolled at the academy. Just the way she's felt about Ellie since the ultrasound technician announced that their little girl looked normal and perfectly healthy.

She gently cups the back of Ned's head as he kisses her again, slowly, over and over, and when he brushes his lips against her earlobe, fits his palm into the curve of the small of her back, she shivers against him.

"I want them to be safe," he whispers, and he runs his fingers through her hair. "I have to keep them safe."

"And I would never ask you to stop," she whispers, tilting her head to meet his eyes, before she kisses him again.

They are so lucky, the two of them, so blessed, and as they move together, their lips moving against each other's skin, their limbs tangled, hearts beating hard against each other, she can't help but brush the faintest kiss over the scar the bullet left in his chest.

She knows she will be able to go on, if something happens to him. But the light will have gone out of her life. This man, this man whose seed is still slick between her thighs, makes her whole now. Their children are her world, but without him...

She blinks and tips her face up to his for another kiss, sighing when his tongue slips between her parted lips, and when he moves she's almost pinned under him, unable to tell where he ends and where she begins.

She remembers his promise as they stood together on that bright summer day, barefoot and smiling at each other, so deeply in love. He vowed to her, and she to him, that he would be by her side, no matter what. Forever.

And she intends on seeing him keep it.

\--

On Sunday afternoon, Ned's helping Jamie with one of his scout assignments, although somewhere in there it turns to Jamie running into the kitchen breathlessly asking his mother for blankets and sheets, and Nancy kisses his forehead before she finds the worn sheets and patched blankets Edith kept just for this reason, for crafts and projects and rough-and-tumble six-year-old boys. A large pot of vegetable beef soup is simmering on the stove, and through the window Nancy can see a light dusting of snow falling, not enough for her to wrangle Jamie and Ellie into their heavy winter coats so they can build snowmen, but maybe next weekend it will be. She makes a mental note to see if they need hot cocoa mix.

Ellie is on a plastic tarp on the kitchen floor, her dark hair pulled back, and she squeals happily as she claps her palms together. Nancy lowers herself to the other edge and Ellie glances up at her, her dark eyes sparkling.

"That looks so pretty, sweetheart."

Nancy mixed up a batch of edible finger paints for her, after Ellie brought home a newsletter from her preschool with the recipe. Ellie's cheeks are streaked, one bright pink, the other yellow, and her palms are a mix of every possible color. She deliberately plants her palm on her oversized piece of construction paper, then pats it again.

"You know what I think it needs?"

Ellie glances up at her mother, brushing a lock of hair out of her face and leaving a streak of blue on her forehead.

"Some _glitter_."

Ellie giggles, and after she approves the amount of glitter Nancy has distributed on the picture, they place it on the kitchen table to dry. Then Nancy looks down at her paint-spattered jeans and the damp, messy tarp with her nose wrinkled. Well, she'd asked for it.

"Want to help me with dinner, sweetheart?"

Ellie begins to push herself to her feet. "Yes yes!"

"Well, first we have to go upstairs and get cleaned up."

Nancy wipes off Ellie's messy hands and slips off the plastic apron, and props her daughter on her hip as she pokes her head into the den. Ned and Jamie have turned the room into a massive blanket fort, and when she calls out her husband's name, he pokes his head out of the far end. Ellie's eyes are wide with wonder when she sees the blankets draped over everything.

"You two mind wiping down the tarp in the kitchen and folding it up for us? Please?"

"Peeeeease," Ellie echoes, batting her eyelashes, and Ned laughs.

"How can I turn down my two favorite girls."

Ellie, of course, managed to dip her sock into the paint, so they go to her room for a fresh pair after Nancy's cleaned her up and changed into a pair of sweatpants. Ellie's tiny hands are soft and pink as she goes over to her toybox and opens it, as Nancy looks in the drawer for more socks.

"No, sweetie, we can play after dinner." Nancy pulls out a yellow pair edged in lace and heads over to scoop Ellie back up.

But Ellie has pulled out the dark pink case Nancy uses to store her costumes, all the tulle and rayon, wands and tiaras and soft sparkly shoes. She finds a garland of fake white daisies with yellow centers and holds it up to her mother, then finds another of deep-pink roses.

"Well, you can't wear both. Which one?"

Ellie pouts for a minute, considering, then reaches for the rose garland, seating it firmly on her head. Then she extends the daisy one to her mother.

"Mommy wear?"

Ellie blinks up at her.

Nancy's own mother must have been with her like this, and sometimes, on afternoons like this one, Nancy wishes she could remember it with all her heart. She blinks away the tears rising in her eyes and seats the daisy crown on her red-gold hair, then reaches down and sweeps Ellie into her arms, holding her close, her heart swelling with such love, all the more because she has been holding it for so long. Her baby. Her miracle baby, the one she had been so terrified she would never meet.

She never wants Ellie to feel this ache, the one that nothing could possibly soothe. This warm, bright little girl with her husband's eyes and Nancy's mouth, though, has come closer to healing Nancy than anything else.

"I love you so much, Ellie."

Ellie reaches up and pats her mother's temple, near the garland, and grins at her. "Love you."

Downstairs Jamie is stamping his feet on the back door mat as he and Mollie come back inside, each dusted with a few of the white snowflakes, and Ned has the hot cocoa mix out. The tarp is cleared, the small plastic containers Nancy used for paint pots rinsed out and in the sink, and Ned has just taken an appreciative sniff of the soup before putting the lid back on the pot.

"Grilled cheese sandwiches?"

"I can do it," Ned says, and he smiles when he sees the daisy crown on her head, the roses on Ellie's. "Little mouse, you look so pretty! Do you want some hot cocoa?"

She squeals in delight, clapping her hands, and when she squirms to be put down, Nancy obliges, going to the refrigerator for the chocolate milk they heat up for Ellie's cocoa. She grabs the margarine and cheddar cheese for the sandwiches as Ellie rushes to the glass-paned back door, her eyes wide as she watches the snowflakes.

Ned picks her up, planting a kiss on her soft cheek before he puts her in her high chair, and Ellie giggles with delight. "Such pretty flowers, Ellie-mouse."

The milk is barely warm enough to be considered hot, but Ellie drinks hers with great relish. Jamie's is real hot cocoa, mini marshmallows softening on top, and he sits at the table to drink his. Ned hands Nancy her own mug and takes a sip of his, as he reaches up and touches her daisy crown.

Nancy smiles at him. "Ellie insisted."

"Reminds me of summer," he whispers. "Bare feet and a white rose and our song."

When her eyes prick again, she puts down her mug and loops her arms around his neck, kissing him hard, and he holds her tight as he kisses her in return. Eight and a half years ago, and she never thought it was possible to love him more than she did that day.

"And you," she whispers, when they break the kiss. "Always you."


End file.
